Lisa and I have been married for 32 years. Do you have a post nuptial “agreement”? We do!
Admittedly, this will not work for all – especially for the romantics.
Many years ago, before I took on a job that involved long business trips away from home, Lisa and I discussed marital infidelity. She is an angel but what about an alpha male like me – all the more, a Leo.
Okay, okay,
Spare me the sniggers – I’ll let you all know that during my time, I’ve turned a female head or two – not only felines – some were of the two-legged variety and some, even human.
Even if I don’t stray – back then, a big “if” I confess – what’s to stop a honey pot from throwing her jugs at me?
I discerned a consistent pattern. Young couple falls in love. She sacrifices her career, minds the home and children, and helps build his career. Twenty years down the road, they stock take and realise they actually have a few acorns squirreled away. He decides he needs a swanky apartment, a new lifestyle, a new topless two-door testosterone powered mean-machine.
Yeah! Bring on the leather!
There is something else – lest we forget – for every guy who strays, there is someone helping him stray. For those who are quick to blame the induced, in this day and age, don’t overlook the inducer.
We discussed several ideas and Lisa came up with her views about “love” and “commitment”. All great and I agreed with her, but I’m an aircraft maintenance engineer – remember? Preventive maintenance. Nothing in the manual. So, write your own manual.
How does one keep out the mice? Remove the cheese!
I suggested transferring all our assets to Lisa. Initially, she was against the idea but over the weeks, came around to it but insisted that I retain a tiny portion.
I’ve always believed the best person to manage routine family finances is the woman, especially when she attains motherhood. See also my post Maternal Instincts about mothers taking charge.
When the lawyers drew up the papers, the senior partner (my age) understood but his young assistant – she was sweet and super efficient – displayed amused disbelief.
My rational was this. If I strayed, if some younger thing came for me – she will have to love me for all my charms and not for all the money I don’t have. Not surprisingly, no younger thing came – not even of the non-human variety.
Of course, this was not the end-all. Like everyone else, we still had to work on our marriage. After 32 years, most of the tempest is behind us – but one never knows with the weather.
So, got to keep working on my charms 🙂
Beyond the customary promises have you done anything special to help secure your marriage?
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Related Links – some short poems about LOVE:
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55 Word Flash Fiction
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Interesting take and strategy…something to think on. Thx.
It works for Lisa and I, especially after she gave up her career to become a home-maker.
I would not recommend this strategy for everyone, Willow Marie, especially if both partners have their own careers or businesses.
Peace,
Eric
You’ve got some catching up to do Eric – we’ve got 37 years up this year – I guess we are just not contract breakers. An interesting read and I wonder just how legally secure these agreements are?
Aha, Dennis – 37 years 🙂 Congratulations!
Well, this is one race where I’ll always play catch-up.
Pre-nuptials which cover existing assets- apparently they are quite secure. Assets accumulated during the course of a marriage – I don’t know. Anyway, it does not bother me.
All good wishes, Eric
Eric, wow, congratulations and thank you for your candor and this post. Such a wonderful testament to marriage and a reminder that all good things are worth continually working on. Thanks again!
Hello Lisa,
First comment here, I reckon. Thank you.
One never knows how one reacts when faced with temptation – that’s why it’s called “temptation” otherwise she will be called an “irritant”. Not everyone subscribes to this. Okay, but I don’t live by my detractors’ leave.
Glad this post resonated for you,
Eric
Perhaps the hidden gem in all of this is a shared world view. When you both develop and articulate shared perspectives then the agreement over what constitutes trust and honesty in your relationship.
For myself, I would worry that my partner had just given himself an out clause by such an agreement. I think he would feel the same way. So does your wife sit back and wait, assets in hand, for that sweet young thing of independent wealth to rock up and sweep you away? And if that SYT does turn up will the holding of assets warm your wife’s bed at night? If my husband came home with this idea in his head I would feel very insecure about our future and he knows this because he would feel it too.
You are right that is one way of looking at it – a negative way, no doubt.
One, if the man is willing to walk away from his substantial assets, two if a SYT thing is willing to bank roll him and three, if he wants to walk away and live as a toy boy.
Perhaps the alternative would be to rely on ‘promises’ – good luck!
And like I said ad nausea, it works for us.
You have your own secret that works for you, I’m sure. And all the very best.
Dear Eric,
You really surprise me with your article in marital fidelity 😉
Do you mind to elaborate on “How does one keep out the mice? Remove the cheese!”?
Your question “Beyond the customary promises have you done anything special to help secure your marriage?” really makes me think how? Does trying to manage the household and my son is also considered? Besides of my freelance work? 😉
Sincerely,
Yoshiko
Yoshiko dear,
This post is all about removing the cheese 🙂
“Does trying to manage the household and my son is also considered? Besides of my freelance work?” – Yes, in a sense.
Peace, Eric
Dear Brother Eric,
Thank you for your answer. After I think about it, quite true 🙂
Peace to you too,
Yoshiko
Married 49 yrs. I never thought of such a thing. Too catholic for that. We take our vowes seriously!
Good for you and congratulations on 49 years!
I also have found that a big deterrent to being unfaithful, if I were ever tempted, is what it would do to Kathryn. To deliberately inflict that kind of emotional damage on her – it would be the worst moment of my life. I think some husbands think they can keep such things secret, but that is pure delusion. I do not believe that spouses have to know everything about one another, but some things are too big to be hidden, like trying to hide a city or a mountain.
Thanks again for the thought provoking post. God’s blessings on you.
Yes, Carroll – it is lovely that one can reflect over the “what ifs” before it strikes and even when in the situation.
However, I wonder how many have that discipline when they find themselves in such a situation – especially when upset with difficult times on the homefront. If one already possesses this discipline, there is nothing to worry about or pray even, I reckon.
That said, to each their own – the important thing is to make it work – not necessarily the tools employed, I reckon.
Thank you for reading and contributing. Your presence here is always a pleasure.
Peace, Eric
Agree with Carroll, Eric… it was and is by God’s grace for both of us, and my husband tells me one of the deterrents to being unfaithful is that he could not bear the thought of hurting me, and I am of the same mind and heart. And he gives me full reign with the finances, with his assistance if I ask for it. But I must say the provision of a post-nuptial agreement means you take your marriage seriously. First time I’ve heard of it, and such an agreement turns pre-nups on their heads, throws the baby out with the bath water, and gets to the heart of the matter. Intriguing, thought-and-heart-provoking post, Eric. Best wishes, Dee
This is a lovely sharing Dee – and thank you so very much.
Yes, we travel by His grace, always.
Yes, pre-nups make the news – but post-nups is the way to go I think as it helps cement what we already have – though, it might not work for all couples.
Thank you Dee for your presence and best wishes,
Eric
P/s All the very best to you and your family too.
Hawww!!! lol. You Lion – the scorpion me knows the lion too well, you see, I have had the most impact in my life by the lion! 😛
And, your post was engaging, charming and loads of fun to read. Of course, the insight taken well.
Dear Lisa, what a gem she must be to cope with the lion !! hahahah – just kidding, dearest Eric.
Lots of love and many more years to you and Lisa. Hugs.
Hello Shaheen dearest,
Most impact from the Leo – Hmm, would love to meet him one day, if not in the flesh at least in cyberspace.
Me lion, Lisa – lion tamer. Crack goes the whip 🙂
Thank you my dear for your well wishes.
Luv and hugz from your doost,
Eric
p.s. our 40th anniversary is coming up.
That’s wonderful – I always love to hear of such longevities.
You showed great wisdom. I have always taken things for granted – not wise but so far we have gotten away with it. And I always pray “lead me not into temptation” and I can truthfully say I have never been tempted. Still it was God’s grace, and not any great strength or wisdom on our part that has saved us.
Tell you the truth Carroll,
Daily prayer is part of our lives – Lisa’s, our children’s and mine. We do our part and pray for the best. I believe in your case both of you ran on pure faith and prayer – wonderful.
When people ask for marriage advice, my response is, you need to find an expert – and there are none on this world. So, I merely relate what Lisa and I do. Invariably, it finds no favour with the seekers. In that case, I suggest both pray while doing their best. Here is what I found – some people who end up divorcing, want instant solutions and unwilling to invest time in prayer – until after their marriage hits the rocks. Then, some go the other extreme as they carry the bitter burden.
Peace and blessings,
Eric