Lisa and I have been married for 32 years. Do you have a post nuptial “agreement”? We do!
Admittedly, this will not work for all – especially for the romantics.
Many years ago, before I took on a job that involved long business trips away from home, Lisa and I discussed marital infidelity. She is an angel but what about an alpha male like me – all the more, a Leo.
Okay, okay,
Spare me the sniggers – I’ll let you all know that during my time, I’ve turned a female head or two – not only felines – some were of the two-legged variety and some, even human.
Even if I don’t stray – back then, a big “if” I confess – what’s to stop a honey pot from throwing her jugs at me?
I discerned a consistent pattern. Young couple falls in love. She sacrifices her career, minds the home and children, and helps build his career. Twenty years down the road, they stock take and realise they actually have a few acorns squirreled away. He decides he needs a swanky apartment, a new lifestyle, a new topless two-door testosterone powered mean-machine.
Yeah! Bring on the leather!
There is something else – lest we forget – for every guy who strays, there is someone helping him stray. For those who are quick to blame the induced, in this day and age, don’t overlook the inducer.
We discussed several ideas and Lisa came up with her views about “love” and “commitment”. All great and I agreed with her, but I’m an aircraft maintenance engineer – remember? Preventive maintenance. Nothing in the manual. So, write your own manual.
How does one keep out the mice? Remove the cheese!
I suggested transferring all our assets to Lisa. Initially, she was against the idea but over the weeks, came around to it but insisted that I retain a tiny portion.
I’ve always believed the best person to manage routine family finances is the woman, especially when she attains motherhood. See also my post Maternal Instincts about mothers taking charge.
When the lawyers drew up the papers, the senior partner (my age) understood but his young assistant – she was sweet and super efficient – displayed amused disbelief.
My rational was this. If I strayed, if some younger thing came for me – she will have to love me for all my charms and not for all the money I don’t have. Not surprisingly, no younger thing came – not even of the non-human variety.
Of course, this was not the end-all. Like everyone else, we still had to work on our marriage. After 32 years, most of the tempest is behind us – but one never knows with the weather.
So, got to keep working on my charms 🙂
Beyond the customary promises have you done anything special to help secure your marriage?
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Related Links – some short poems about LOVE:
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Tomorrow
55 Word Flash Fiction
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Honey pot…hahahaha nice!
And once again, Eric, your have me in awe! This kind of love story is unique, for it is not a mush and gush story, it is humorous and harshly honest, it seems, but nonetheless, a love story! You, my friend, I bow down to. xoxo
LOL, yes I wondered whether the terms “honey pot” and “jugs” were too crude. No one made adverse comments – and you actually thought it funny, what a relief!
My sentiments are, don’t merely talk about love, show it in concrete long term commitments. If you can’t trust your partner with your money —
When you bow down, you’ll find me waiting there – at ground level 🙂
Luv and hugz for a friend,
Eric
I know you are quite down to earth, but you set the bar really high and I feel lucky that you even see me from up there! You are an amazing writer. The best one I have come across here on wordpress.
It is interesting that when it comes to the crunch, most men/women are unwilling to trust their partners with “money” – they have very valid reasons, I’m sure. It also means, what hope is there for true love.
What then is the solution? I don’t have the cure but perhaps – perhaps – if you can’t trust each other over money – then, don’t marry, don’t have children – live together but don’t marry. This is not the way, but better than acrimonious divorces and lost children.
Lisa was happy to live with me – but I married her because I wanted children and decided that I will never ever abandon her. After 32 years of marriage – I cling to this commitment.
Peace and blessings,
Eric
P/s You’re generous with your kind words, Eva my dear 🙂
32 years! Wow! That is very rare to hear of these days. I agree with you, don’t marry if you cannot trust that deeply. My husband and I didn’t trust each other with money at all. I should have known better, but I guess, I’m here to learn.
I mean every word I say about you, Eric.
Happy Anniversary to you my lovely buddy and your lovely Lisa. This post is inspiring and who says it is not romantic to show care for one another in practical ways too? True love endures and I wish you both many more happy years together. Big hugs Xxx
Hah, Hah Jane 🙂
Always a pleasure to have you visit. Yes, flowers, candies and chocolates are lovely – but practical gestures help love endure.
Thank you for your well wishes.
Much luv and hugz for you,
Eric
“the best person to manage routine family finances is the woman, especially when she attains motherhood”
A very keen observation and I adore you strength and the courage to put everything on the line, not everyone can do that.
I loved every bit of your post 🙂
Regards,
Hello Maryam,
I live by what I’ve written. Not everyone will agree – but each to his/her own.
Very happy indeed that this post touches some of the readers, including you 🙂
Peace and blessings,
Eric
Hello Eric 🙂
Your many posts have this effect but this one in particular raised my hopes that we have men like you who understand and take a step back in their evaluations 🙂
Regards and blessings dear Eric !
I’m sorry but i had to borrow this ” How does one keep out the mice? Remove the cheese!” Good and honest post.
No need to apologise – you’re making a point and thank you, Eric
Eric, I appreciated your honesty in opening up on a sensitive, yet crucial topic like marriage and fidelity. Your wife sounds like she is truly a gem and gift to you. My husband and I were married at the young age of nineteen and will be married 47 yrs. this July. We have also been through the ups and downs in our relationship at times. But it made us stronger, but only through our faith did it become so. As a Christian, at times I feel I must work a bit harder at being the true Proverbs 31 woman, but it makes me all the more aware of what God wants for all of us: to be all that we can be through Him where real happiness is. 🙂 God bless you both.
Hello Joyce,
Thank you for your visit and sharing.
Reading some blogs, one sees the utter bitterness spewing forth from people who feel wronged in relationships. It would help to look in the mirror to see one’s part in it all – including our first wrong choice in choosing that person. Therefore, those of us who continue with the challenging and rewarding journey of love and marriage must come out and share – to let the young and not-so-young know that it can be done!
A pin prick of light in the heavy swells of dark despair stands out more than all the dark that surrounds it.
Yes, religion can and does provide a bedrock for the foundations of love and marriage.
I am happy for you and your family – and 47 years is a marvellous and shining example for emulation. Congratulations 🙂
Peace and blessings,
Eric
Thank you Eric for the wishes and mine to you also. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your words I’m sure are very timely for those who might have needed your words. One thing I have learned in my own marriage is that there are two who can make it work, or two who can ruin it, and I had to look at myself many a time in the mirror and make a decision to do my part to make it work, and give it my best even during rough times.
In Kabbalah we believe that if people are not twin flame soul mates, the male soul is not monogamous for in the beginning men were encouraged to be fruitful and become many, in other words men were created to proliferate. Of course throughout the centuries arrangements have changed.
I do admire the courage that you and your wife live by, and you are right not many would agree to this type of arrangements. It is true by removing the temptation unwonten acts can be avoided along with gold diggers and both males and females can be gold diggers.
With this understanding I have been involved in a long distance relationship where I did inform this man that all I cared about was that he treated me like a goddess when I was with him.
I am a Earth sign with a Leo ascendant and I am a male soul in a female body, however I have chose to live my life in accord with the way a traditional female would live on this planet and not as a lesbian. I have been tempted many times by both genders but I followed the advice of Proverbs 31 in patterning myself. From the beginning to the end of the chapter we have the character of a woman of genuine worth laid down; Her general character, She is a virtuous wo man – a woman of power and strength. אשת חיל esheth chayil, a strong or virtuous wife, full of mental energy, and She is invaluable; her price is far above rubies – no quantity of precious stones can be equal to her worth.
Both you and your wife are true gems indeed!
Thank you Alex for your visit and comment – the first in my blog, I believe.
You’ve revealed some interesting view points.
Thank you also for your kind words about Lisa and I and the relationship we share.
All good wishes,
Eric
P/s You might want to check dralexgbennington.wordpress.com > when I clicked on it, WP shows as your blog is non-existent.
I loved this post and I must admit that I laugh a lot! 🙂
That’s me Gys – trying my hand at humour.
Glad you liked the post 🙂
yes I adore this humor and I understood that it was You lol 🙂
Good words Eric. For me it’s open and honest communication, stay active, try new things, avoid the ruts. Variety is a good thing… just be sure you keep it between yourselves. 😀
Hello Steve – yes, variety is a good thing, I agree 😀
Great post. But there must be complete trust and faithfulness to begin with or else you will live your entire marriage wondering if and imagining the worst. I congratulate you and your wife on a great relationship. Too many relationships are based on very shallow starts.
Thank you for sharing an intimate portion of your life.
You are right, Susan – the depth of feelings, commitments, etc. is the key.
You are welcome and all good wishes,
Eric
“I trust him but I don’t” … it is always wise to keep in mind that humans are human … pre nup … peri nup … post nup … been there done that …
At one end, wisdom and at the other end, fear borne of distrust. We lean accordingly.
As mentioned in my post, it is not a panacea for everyone.
Clichés are great for parlour games, I reckon.
I turn a blind eye!
That is a novel approach, yes.
I do not recommend it but it works for me
I understand Willow 🙂
As mentioned in my post, the above scheme works for Lisa and I, but perhaps not for all.
Peace dear,
Eric
and Peace be with you too. 🙂
How very wise you were at such a young age….so often now, I think that people are unaware of what human nature can be…it’s like everything is a Fairy Tale with a happily ever after….and when the first bumps and thunder comes along…their boat sinks…I’ve always told my sons, living with another person, no matter how much you care for them is often a challenge…and you must admit your part in the story, nothing is one sided…thanks for sharing.
Very true,
Who knows how we change, let alone our partner. Everyone who married, thought they found the right person and true love. Statistics don’t agree.
Good advice for your sons.
Peace, Eric
Remove the cheese? This cracked me up! What a unique and intriguing set up you guys have. I guess it’s worked, though 🙂 I think we all need to be self-aware because when we’re not, that’s when temptation can sneak in.
Yes, it worked for us, Janna dear 🙂
Lisa and I always confronted issues openly and never carried burdens. Quarrels never saw the dawn – always went down with the sun.
You are right, self-awareness is so very crucial as a bulwark against temptation.
Peace and blessings,
Eric
You always surprise me Eric with your vast range of thoughts that you write on! Your open and transparent views are commendable and worth respecting.
I have been married since the last 17yrs and my husband too has the job of being on tours and less likely to remain involve din the matters of home.We have separate accounts but it sme who manages the expenses and have full access to his account,although my secret savings are pushed through my account,which I always keep for emergencies.
Through these years we have undergone several ups and downs ,shocks and setbacks.What I have always believed is if I love him,I need to see he gets through all his success and happiness.My ultimate goal shall be always to bring a smile on his face . After several years of marriage we still fight like kids,play like children. I know every bit of his work and work pressures,every details of his everyday discussions regarding his business for it makes me be a part of him.And at anytime when he needs advice I know I can be of some help to him. I have heard about the agreement ,but I solely believe if relations are with soul and with bonds of heart ,they need to be respected and cared.come whatsoever.
If anytime however God forbid situations change ,I would not like anything else to have but only him forever.
This is such a never ending topic you have selected. I can go on and on endlessly speaking about it! 🙂 Yes just wanted to say,you are definitely a wonderful person with a noble heart!
No worries Soumya, and you are always welcome to go on and on 🙂
Thank you Soumya,
For your kind words about my post.
Thank you also for sharing – written from your heart, as the sweetie you are.
That little snippet about “secret savings” brought a little chuckle. Yes, I recall most women tend to do that for emergencies. Women are natural tacticians like military men – always keeping a reserve mobile force.
Looks like you’ve immersed in the life and love of/for your husband. That is so very lovely. Truly marvellous.
Seventeen years 🙂
May I wish you and your hubby many many more years,
Eric
Thanks for your blessings and wishes! Eric 🙂
All our assets are in joint names and the bank accounts can be operated by any one. That requires trust by each party as either could cash out and leave the other with nothing as far as bank accounts are concerned, but other assets being joint owned neither party can play the fool with that as they require two signatures to realize the asset. Beyond that we have cared for life without the other by Powers of Attorney, wills and Health Care directives which make everything very plain. What you have to be careful of is if one of the partners die. That brings the government into it so you had better know the law very well or have your assets tied down for months before you can access them. That could be a real problem depending on those laws. But there are ways to protect each person there too with the help of a good lawyer. I guess you made a statement with what you did to protect your spouse and I can only admire your intent. Either partner who wants to walk out should be prepared to leave it all behind. That’s a fair penalty. Next year is our 50th year of marriage so I suppose we should both feel safe. LOL.
Thank you Ian for this detailed response.
Like many couples in for the long haul, you’ve had it all well planned, I see.
Yes, with fixed assets, I hold shares (a small one) and our shares revert automatically to the surviving party. In fact, when Lisa and I were travelling on business (when we had our own business), we made it a point to travel on different flights – meeting up at destination/home as the case was. We also appointed our daughter as POA when she reached 21. Obviously, our lawyers drew out detailed wills to cover every eventuality.
But you are right – I was making a statement and to protect the family.
It is easy to spew theory about what if, what should and what could be. Living it makes all the difference. No one enters into marriage without every intention to make it work. No one can say with absolutism that one will not stray – even priests who spend 8 years of careful preparation give in to temptation, let alone starry eyed couples.
Fifty years – what a remarkable achievement! Wow! Both of you have every reason to be proud, happy and feel safe. Congratulations.
🙂 Eric 🙂
I think you and I are part of a diminishing number who take seriously the vow, ” until death do us part.” LOL
I’m not married, but I believe when everything works in a relationship or a marriage, temptations hardly comes on the way … only when you don’t feel complete and understood within your marriage you look away, but this is a huge topic and one can speak from different angles and situations!
Yes, marriage is a huge topic and one that lends itself to much theory about “ifs”, “buts” and “maybes”
Hi Eric:
This piece was a surprise and I congratulate you for your candor. Dan and I have been married 39 years and are still close –it is a good feeling. We had separate accounts when we first got married and I kept my career. It took too much to get there for me to ‘give it up’, although I ‘took time off’ for the children. Somewhere along the way we deduced that it would be cheaper and less complicated to have one account and so our assets merged. He is a good man my Dan he says that he wins the war by losing every battle which is odd because I didn’t know that we fought.
Even without this piece your blog gave me the impression that you are an alpha, and this post from your heart has a poignant message.
Tomorrow I plan to post a friend’s poems on my blog but next time that I put up one of mine I have one on marriage that you might enjoy.
Cheerio
Jane
Hello Jane,
39 years! I love hearing such stories 🙂 All of us need to read more of such relationships. Congratulations to Dan and you.
I understand what Dan means by “winning the war by losing every battle” – obviously, he is fixated on his goal. Most don’t even recognise their goals in marriage, I reckon.
I’ve read your friend, Rip’s poems (lovely, all three) and look forward to reading your post touching on “marriage”
Thank you for your ever kind words,
Eric
This was such a positive post to read in the morning; all about love and trust and mutual understanding. May be I should say that it might work as a valuable lesson for a youngster like me who will step into the shoes of a married man in the coming year or so 😀
Congratulations Manu, on your forthcoming marriage.
I believe in many Indian families (at one time) managing the family finances was usually the wife’s responsibility. My maternal grandparents came from India and it was the case with them. I wonder whether this still remains true, although I’m sure it is changing – as it has in Singapore.
Absolute trust in one another in all matters – that is the chalice, I reckon.
May I wish for you and your wife-to-be all good and great things,
Eric
I have heard of that particular trait too, Eric.I don’t know if people are still doing it but in my case I think it has to be necessary that my would-be wife has to take care of the expenses because I’m not that great with money and savings and anything that has to do with accounts whereas she is amazing with all that stuff. Thanks for your wishes. Will let everyone know about the great day 😀
Hi Eric – what a great love and trust you have. there’s a good proverb that describes the value of a wife.
My wife Jan has full access to all our funds, and we setup several accounts in her name so she has her own credit if she should ever need it.
Thank you Bill,
I notice, and might be wrong here, that couples of past generations tend to put it all into one pot. It is changing now, even here in Singapore. The “His” and “Hers” transcends towels and toothbrushes and strays into ridiculous areas. I fear more people come into marriage with so many exit ideas while spewing “forever” mantras. The instituition of marriage is buffeted from all sides.
Jan and you seem to have a great thing going there. Glad to know that separated by oceans, we share similar views and values.
Please share that proverb here, if you don’t mind.
All good wishes with your NYC visit,
Eric
P/s Say hello to Jan for me.
You are right Eric.
Here’s one of my favorite proverbs: 31:10
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.
Das ist gut 🙂
Danke,
Eric
Great self awareness and I admire the open dialogue that led to your agreement.
Thank you Gail,
As you probably know, one of my favourites is – look in the mirror before looking out the window.
Peace and love,
Eric