A 100-word flash fiction

I simply hate it when they don’t lubricate my crevices.

Without oil, I squeak like a skewered pig. It takes only a few seconds but they never get round to doing it.

Then there are those who don’t wash their hands. They blow slime or dig their noses and grasp and give me a twist. Jeez, how do you like covered in rotten cheese?

When they leave me dry, wasps build nests and whelp disgusting pests. My key hole is not a nursey, don’t you know.

Treat me well, and dammit DON’T slam the door!

Now, come polish the knob!

*** Copyright @ Eric Alagan, 2017 ***


  1. If the doorknob had a heart and a voice, it would definitely say all these things and more. Some people in my condo press the lift buttons with their house key.

  2. I enjoyed the creativity of this piece taken from the knob’s POV, and so well executed!
    One of my clients was so hyper about unwashed hands touching toilet doors that he had me install toe pulls. I kid you not, such devices exist and are to enable the squeamish to open a door (such as a latch-less toilet door) hands free.

    1. Hello Jane,

      Thank you for reading, and for your compliments.

      I am one of those squeamish ones and make it a point to wash my hands. It has been proven that many of the illnesses such as the common cold are transmitted by dirty door knobs, handholds on public transport, escalators and so forth. I don’t catch cold/flu easily but when it strikes – it lasts for anything up to three months. Really stuffs me up and hence the precautions. I don’t view my behaviour as paranoia but rather as practicing good personal hygiene. Of course, the worst culprits are the dollar bills.

      All good wishes,

  3. Oh yes, now you paint such a stark picture of this germ inhabited device I’ll be spraying before entering in future Eric. lol. Goes along with handling trolleys in a supermarket.

    1. Hello Ian,

      Yes, supermart trolleys, handholds on buses and trains, lift buttons. But we don’t want to give in to paranoia. Live life normal, but wash hands before handling food or touching faces (especially grand-kids’) and lips.

      P/s Bet anyone who reads this post will probably approach the next door knob with caution 🙂

    1. Hello Sarah,

      I can understand your hesitation. Some of the images are gross. A reader private messaged and said even the word “knob” has a sexual connotation. Okay, I learned something new – LOL!

      I found it especially challenging and even fun, using a first person POV – a door knob’s POV.


  4. Especially the toilet knob, people grab it with wet or sometimes unwashed hands, yuck. Maybe they should have automatic door for the toilet.

    1. Good morning, Windy,

      Yes, that’s the way to go – auto swing or slide doors. But that will put the door knobs out of work. Well, that’s technology for you – always seeking to increase efficiency and cut jobs. Less work for the pill pushers too – i.e. doctors, who rely on the common cold to pay their bills 🙂

      Have a great week ahead,

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