Smarty Pants Part 2 of 2

Smarty’s wife, a.k.a. Boss, immediately floated over to where the “boys” were seated. In Asian culture, the wife never kept the husband waiting. This evening, she was playing the part of “Asian wife”.

When Smarty Pants’ wife, a.k.a. Boss, appeared at the table where the “boys” were gathered, someone asked,

‘Is it Smarty Pants’ birthday today?’

‘We plan to celebrate his birthday next week,’ said the Boss.

That was vintage Boss. She never, and that means NEVER, answered a direct question. She was always two and even three steps ahead and answered THAT question. And she wondered why the men never get it.

‘So it’s not his birthday today.’

‘You can always send the presents at your leisure,’ said the Boss, having guessed the intent behind all these questions. She was always ahead of time.

‘Honey, just tell them—,’ said Smarty Pants.

He lied of course. She had stopped tasting like honey. In fact, he had forgotten how she tasted. Come to think of it, he was Asian. He was not into tasting.

Unless he was an Asian as in from India – in which case his forefathers wrote the book on tasting. The Anglicized version of that bestseller is Come On Sutra.

‘Nope!’ someone cut in. ‘No prompting. So, it’s not his birthday today.’

‘What’s your name?’ asked the Boss. If she had not guessed the third question, she always replied with a question of her own.

‘Someone,’ said the guy. This guy had an original name. They don’t name them like they used to.

‘Someone, you can send the present yourself or will you have Anyone send it?’

That guy had an original name too. Yes, they sure don’t make them like they used to.

Anyone said he’ll be happy to oblige. Of course he lied. After forty years of wedded bliss, he knew the art of survival. When the time came, he’ll simply give an excuse. He already had two dozen ailments to choose from, such as soiling his pants when he broke wind.

‘As long as Anyone delivers it to our home before next Saturday,’ said the Boss. Obviously she thought that as a wife, she was entitled to boss anyone.

No one asked. Yes he had an original name too. But the Boss said,

‘I love to pile all the presents and take a picture and post it on Facebook.’

Okay, so she was still in love. She twirled. Stopped and twirled back, and said,

‘Cheerio boys!’

Smarty Pants was crestfallen and the “boys” laughed. Someone said,

‘Relax Smarty. We know it’s your birthday today.’

And the table broke into the well-loved birthday jingle:

Happy Birthday to you,

You were born in a zoo,

With elephants and gorillas,

And monkeys like yoooooou.

And Someone, Anyone, and Everyone clapped and cheered. No one was a spoil sport.

And how we feel sorry for yooooooou!

And the retorts flew back and forth.

And yooooou.

And yooooou.

And yooooou.

Strange that a table broke into a birthday jingle.

Oh, by the way, Leonid Brezhnev did suffer from incontinence. He thought his libido was on overdrive.

*** Copyright @ Eric Alagan, 2018 ***